I’ve had this blog for 4 months now… I guess you could say things between you and I are getting pretty serious. But I haven’t been totally honest with you. I’ve been keeping things from you and it’s time you knew the truth.
Full disclosure: there are a few things about me that are a little strange. I’m prepared to fill you in on the some of them, although this may mean you hit the ‘unfollow’ button. Don’t worry. I won’t be TOO sad (*sniff*, just a little something in my eye).
I’m 27 and still sleep with my teddy bear, Henry. Well technically he is a panda bear. But he is super comfy, great to spoon and well… how could you resist this face?
Anyone still reading? Ok, moving on…
I have a somewhat irrational fear of birds, especially pigeons. In the past I’ve been chased by a duck, swooped by magpies, nearly clawed by a plover bird, honked at by a goose and had my burger taken by a seagull. Seriously. My whole burger! One hungover Saturday lunchtime I was just about to tuck into a much needed Oporto’s Bondi Burger (with chilli) when a seagull came and took the whole thing out of my hand. He flew a few metres before dropping the entire thing, then there was about 50 seagulls covering my burger and within seconds the whole thing was gone. It was Bondi Burger carnage. All that was left was a smear of chilli and a few bits of lettuce. Are birds even supposed to eat chicken? Most upsetting.
Pigeons remain my most feared bird though. I think it’s because they flap their wings so erratically you never know which direction they’re going. Also, whenever they fly above me I always imagine their little bird mites falling onto me. Pigeon mites. Dislike.
I can’t ride a bike. Yes. It’s true. And no, I didn’t have an underprivileged childhood. I just never quite got the hang of bike riding without training wheels. And I give up pretty easy when I’m not good at something. But hey, I know my strengths. It just happens that most of them involve some sort of stationary action. The worst part about it is when people tell me something is “just like riding a bike”… It hurts guys. It hurts a lot!
Winning best dressed at roller disco is one of my greatest achievements… so far. I love dressing up. Parties are just that much more fun when you’re wearing a mullet wig and everyone gets a bit silly. And it’s a great ice breaker with people you don’t know. Dressing up in an 80’s gym instructor outfit was enough enticement for me to attend roller disco, but when I won best dressed I was over the moon. Finally, some validation for all that time spent trawling through Salvo’s and Vinnies over the years and insisting I keep a dress-up box. My only question now is, where to from here? Do I retire my bling chains and crazy glasses? Or do I pursue bigger and better dress-up parties with more esteemed best dressed awards? You could say I’m at somewhat of a crossroads in my life.
This is my shower cap that I wear all the time:
You can probably sense a bit of a theme with the panda thing, but when you’re a child and your name is Miranda it is the logical step (‘Miranda Panda’ for those playing at home). The worrying part is, unlike Henry (see above), this shower cap was given to me as an adult (by my mum). My ex used to laugh at me when I’d get ready for the shower and put this on. Seeing this list come together I’m beginning to see why we didn’t work out… Anyways, pandas are freaking awesome. Look at these little guys!
The best thing anyone ever said to me occurred recently… I was out on the town cutting shapes on the DF when a stranger said to me “you’re like a white Beyonce”. I truly believe no one will ever give me a better compliment than this. However, you can still try if you like, I won’t stop you!
As a child I wanted to be a magician. I used to host magic shows for my parents as “Miranda Magician” (alliteration, oh yeah!). I truly believed I was doing magic and that my parents enjoyed watching these shows. I can only assume I was wrong on both counts. I even had a cardboard “assistant” who bravely performed my ‘sawing in half’ trick. Actually I think I was pretty good, maybe I should dig out my old wand and put a show on for my housemates. If I get them drunk enough I’m sure they’ll appreciate my work.
I keep my toothbrush in a drawer because of something Dr Karl once said on his show on TripleJ. Basically he described some research that revealed when you flush the toilet with the lid open, tiny poo particles will fly in the air. If your toothbrush is out it could land on them. He writes it a little more eloquently in this article, stating:
“If you flush with the lid up, a polluted plume of bacteria and water vapour erupts out of the flushing toilet bowl. The polluted water particles float for a few hours around your bathroom before they all land. Some of them will land on your tooth brush.”
Gross. I have never been able to unknow this information. And have now passed this onto you guys. Do with it what you will. I now keep my toothbrush in a drawer (and probably will forever more).
Well, I think that is enough for now. I could go on, but I’ve got some magic show skills to brush up on. Plus I’m not even sure anyone will still be reading.
Do you have any questions for me? Or anything about yourself you’d care to reveal with the class? No judgement!