Safety warning: we strongly recommend that you consult with your doctor or fitness expert before reading this, or indeed any of these, crap posts. Special importance applies if you value good content, have a half decent sense of humour or appreciate quality writing. It is strongly recommended that you soundtrack the reading of this post to a tune like this…

I’ve been going to BODYPUMP classes for about a year now. It’s a full body workout using a bar and adjustable weights. It’s hectic. Even the name trademarked ALLINCAPS is like it’s shouting at you; DON’TSTOPMOVINGLASTSETCMON! If you aren’t familiar with the class this helpful video might give you a better idea. It describes the instructors “friendly, extrovert personality.”

While I continue to struggle to do a push up on my knees, I have picked up on a few traits that unite the instructors. Each instructor is unique and annoying in their own special way, however they share common characteristics that must get taught at some kind of BODYPUMPSUPERINTENSETRAININGCOURSE…. ok-grab-a-quick-drink. Certain methods and techniques are passed down from strong hands hardended with callouses to the next generation of insanely fit, hyperactive BP teachers. Besides the obvious freakish aptitude for lifting shit-heavy weights in-time to cheesy pop tracks, BP instructors share a similar way of speaking and interacting with the class. Each class is interspersed with the following:

Clichés and bad metaphors

• Gotta keep your “eyes on the prize” “we are warriors of fitness” “no pain, no gain” (shut it) “there is no beginning and no end” (can’t tell if stupid, or really really intelligent) “let’s work those summer butts!” (please. stop. talking.)

Things that make no sense

• “’Boom in the room’ that’s what they say!” (no it isn’t)

• “What are you thinking about? Your breakfast? Your lunch? Don’t think about that” (well now I am).

Gross things

• After clearly swallowing something “a little bit of sick just came up” (…’sake)

Your name

• DON’T LET THE PUMP INSTRUCTOR LEARN YOUR NAME! They will pick on you at every chance. I’m not sure why they do this, but I just stick to the back row and feel sorry for poor Katherine. (Hates it.)

Harsh things

• “Are you ok there tiger?” (sure buddy, if by ok you mean wanting to collapse into feotal position while simlultaneously wanting to punch you, then yes, we’re ok)

• “Your bar is too light… sweetheart'” (not going to even go there.)

• “Rehearsal over… performance BEGIN!” (Chris… was that you?)

• Or, my personal favourite, one of our instructors has taken to simply calling my housemate “junior”

Innuendo

• Fairly self explanatory, but just to name a few: “Going to have you on your backs the whole time today” “Going to take you deep” “I’m going to give it to you” “Let’s get it on” and various other grunting and suggestive noises. I’m no prude, but it’s already hard enough to focus on my squats with Lycra Leon in front of me…

Singing

• Perhaps the most offensive part of a BP class: instructors are using their classes as Karaoke practice. The most unfair part is that only the instructor gets a microphone. Kudos to them though, their range stretches from Rihanna to Nickelback to il Divo (?). Still… remind me never to share a booth at Ding Dong Dang with you guys.

• Often the singing will form part of a call and response in a song. For example, imagine a shorter, musclier Jonathan LaPaglia singing to Doctor Doctor, Give Me the News and commenting back to himself like this: “You think I’m Cute” (Oh yeah you do) “A little bit shy” (Not me you’re talking about). It’s like watching your friends dad dance the macarena at your high school formal: a slight beat behind, and trying far too much.

Singing innuendo and pump references

• See innuendo section and substitute talking for singing (duh)

• Sometimes instructors aim for the trifecta: singing a phrase heavy with innuendo and slightly changing the wording to make it relevant to Pump. E.g. ♫“I’m PUMPing for you”

But maybe all of this bad chat, limit pushing and awful jokes could be just to distract from the fact you’re working really hard. Before you know it the class is over and you are done. A bit like this blog post. SEEYOUNEXTWEEKPUMPERS!*

And in other news…

*(Don’t forget to stretch.)