Saturday is the official start of Summer for us folk in the Southern Hemisphere (southside yo!) and I couldn’t be more excited. However, there are a lot of summer crimes that get committed so I think it’s best we set a few guidelines so we can all get along and play nice together for the next three months.

DO wear your swimmers* when you’re at the beach, poolside or anywhere swimming is in business.

DON’T extend the wearing of said togs outside the bounds of socially acceptable areas. For example: kiosk on the beach = acceptable, food court in a shopping mall = unacceptable, laying by the pool = acceptable, laying on the grass near your office at lunchtime = unacceptable.

DO wear sunscreen. “I never burn” you say. “I’ve got olive skin” you say. Well, “Two in three Australians will be diagnosed with skin cancer by the time they are 70” these smart guys say.  Wear sunscreen fools, just like that song. Also, floss (it’s not summer related but it’s still good advice from that song).

DON’T not wear sunscreen. Especially if you are drunk. This, this or this might happen.

DO embrace your body and work with what you’ve got.

DON’T read articles titled “GET YOUR SUMMER BODY IN TWO WEEKS!”, “FROM FAT TO FIT IN 15 MINUTES!!” or “10 WAYS TO BE AS SKINNY AND HOT AS MIRANDA KERR WITHOUT LEAVING THE COUCH YOU FATTY-FAT-FATFAT!!!”. Alternatively, read books about interesting things because the hottest thing about a person is a brain full of interesting knowledge, amiright or AMIRIGHT!?!

DO eat Calippo’s, mango’s and frozen fruits in the sun.

DON’T get too big a crush on the Brazilian guy who sells Calippo’s at the beach. He flirts with everyone. That ice cream box is heavy and those Calippo’s don’t sell themselves you know. Still flirt with him though, he might slip you one for free (not an innuendo… if you want that you’d at least have to buy him a drink first, but don’t get me distracted this isn’t a post about picking up strangers… maybe another time).

DO get a light spray tan if you’re that way inclined. It can look good when done properly and ease mild bikini anxiety.

DON’T get the spray tanner to make you blacker than black or put fake tan on in the dark. The only tandoori that appeals is the chicken variety and the only streaks I want to see are in my bacon. Also don’t lay in the solarium, solarium’s are for losers.

DO take photos of all the summer fun you’re having and post them on Instagram. Friends that live overseas in cooler climates (northside yo!) may get jealous and be enticed to visit. And your local friends will see how much of a legend you are. This is a win for everyone. But most of all, it’s a win for fun. #poolponies4lyf

DON’T take photos of people lying on the beach when they can see you, you creep. We saw you take those photos Mr. Business Man… we saw you…

Any other do’s and dont’s?

*Substitute for preferred name (e.g. togs, cosi, swimmers, bathers, water suit, swimming enabler) because can’t we all just get along and we have bigger things to worry about like what am I having for dinner tonight…