Warning: I wrote this sick with a cold and maybe should have edited it, but I really want to go to bed. So please read quietly and pass the cough syrup.

Valentine’s Day is the worst. It is the worst for everyone. I’m not just saying that because I’m single and alone and please someone won’t you love me? *cough*

My earliest memory of the day (besides when I just made cards for mum – SHOUTOUTZ MUM!) was a massive disappointment. I was about 11 and purchased a packet of Starbursts lollies and composed a love letter to deliver to my primary school crush. Keeping them hidden in my desk all day I awaited the perfect moment. It never came. So I took them home, ate them and destroyed the evidence. I feel this was a good lesson to learn at a young age. The lesson that unless you do something love could just pass you by and before you know it you’ll be 28, single, drinking cough syrup from the bottle and writing a blog post about how Valentine’s Day is the worst… Oh. Anyway that disappointing day really set the expectation bar just about right for every Valentine’s Day since.

This ‘holiday’ is complete bullshit. It’s not a holiday at all. We don’t get a day off work or even a particular type of food to celebrate with. No pancakes, hot-cross buns or ANZAC cookies. Would it have been so hard to mark the day with some sort of genital shaped sandwich or something? That would at least give us something to look forward to.

As someone who’s had the whole spectrum of Valentine’s Day experiences (I swear I’ve had boyfriends in the past and if I dreamt those up I’ve probably got bigger problems) I can attest that it is the worst thing for everyone.

Long term couples would like to think it’s all like…

But it’s really more like…

That’s if you even remember it. Last year my friend Silvia was surprised to find her boyfriend acting sheepish when she made a suggestion for what they could do to celebrate the day. She was shocked thinking maybe he had arranged a surprise. Oh no, he had already booked himself in to do a worm-farming course that night. They’re still happily together, however I think she made sure she had other plans for the night this year.

For new couples the pressure is on. Head to an over-priced restaurant for a pre-set menu where you’ll be squashed so close to other couples you’ll hope they don’t order garlic bread.

And good luck trying to find a card that doesn’t say “I love you” if you’re not quite up to that stage yet. You could maybe try something like this?Then there’s not-couples-but-sleeping-together-unsure – Do you acknowledge it? Do you ignore it? If you ignore it you might ruin your chance for more sex, but if you acknowledge it maybe they’ll think you want more than you do and you don’t want them getting too attached now do you. Maybe you could be like “Happy Vag-entine’s Day” to cover off both bases?

And of course the single people: Like we didn’t have enough reminders of our singledom, like well meaning friends “any new men?”, and less well-meaning uncles “you STILL single?”, there is at least a month of dodging pink card stands in shopping centres and telling your other single friends how lame the holiday is while secretly hoping you meet someone before they do because my god you don’t want to be the last one #foreveralone.

And then there is that dread of logging into Instagram as the feeds clog with photos of flowers that cost more than the entirety of the Zimbabwean government’s bank account and have captions like ‘best boyfie ever’.

And the very worst part is how everyone just goes on and on and on about how much they hate it… oh…. I’M PART OF THE PROBLEM!

Oh well, can’t win ’em all.

Happy Vagentine’s Day NakedEnvelopers! I hope it is suitably disappointing.

Ps. I would genuinely be stoked to recieve this card, HINT HINT!