Dear Santa,

I’m calling bullshit on your annual delivery of underwear and pyjamas, enough is enough. You need to quit it with your small-time stocking stuffers and take this shit big picture. Think of it as making up for the other 364 days of the year where all you do is sit on your gingerbread and candy cane throne and judge the citizens’ of the world. And just who are you calling a ho? For shame, Santa.  Level with me a minute and hear me out, I just have a few simple requests.

Please can I have for Christmas:

1. To be BFF’s with Tina Fey. We’ll braid each other’s hair, tell each other secrets and cry about boys together. On Wednesday we’ll wear pink. And we would NEVER write about each other in the Burn book.
2. A basic understanding of physics. Including, but not limited to, how it’s possible that planes can fly in the air… srsly.
3. The drive to do something to make the world a better place… as opposed to being so overwhelmed by all the poverty, abuse and crime in the world that I feel utterly powerless.
4. A small to medium sized cameo role in my favourite sitcom, Parks and Recreation. Here are some ideas of characters I could play: Leslie Knope’s weird nerdy niece from Australia, visiting to complete a university assignment on Middle America society, they discover they share a no-quit attitude and a love of waffles; Andy’s shoe shine replacement; or Tom Haverford’s girlfriend who he’s been online dating for a few years and finally comes to visit. (Please note my American accent is terrible so I’ll have to be foreign. On the plus side I’m pretty much fluent in German – know about 5 phrases – so can be flexible on where I’m from).
   

   Tom Haverford from Parks and Recreation

5. Towels that match. Like a REAL adult.
6. For my finance to be in a healthy condition, including having intelligent investments and knowing where the hell my superannuation is.
7. To live out my dream of performing in front of a stadium audience. Perhaps filling in for Beyonce one night, and being supported by Daft Punk ft. Flume.
8. A sense of purpose, a will to live, a reason to lurch unsteadily out of bed before midday…Something other than food obviously though – duh, Santa.
9. A car. It doesn’t have to be flashy, just something that’s easy to park and I’ll never have an accident in. Don’t forget to also rid me of my crippling fear of driving.
10. The ability to look dope while wearing a hat… this is where your real magic comes into play, Saint Nick.
    

    Current hat-wearing skill is on par with Andre

I’ll leave the cookies and beer in the usual spot. K,tx,bye!

What do you want from Santa this year?