Ken oath I love ‘straya. I’d potentially call myself ‘patriotic’ if it didn’t have the cringe worthy associations with racism and shame surrounding our colonial past. But I’m not here to lecture on our issues with racism, our binge drinking culture, or our national identity issues – I’m not actually clever enough to write about those things anyway. Instead I’m writing about the things I like about Australia Day, that is: barbequed meats; an obligation to eat lamingtons; and triple j’s Hottest 100.

As a long time listener, never caller, the Hottest 100 is one of my favourite things. Not only do I love to recap on last years’ best songs on my favourite radio station… I also love the speculation, theories and evidently controversies that go with it. To add to the chatter here are my predictions for the day… in chronological order:

•  Music critics sit at their computers, searching synonyms for ‘commercial’ and ‘overplayed’.
• Neither Trev, Barry, nor Gazza even considered wearing a shirt.
• The triple j website crashes because everyone’s trying to stream the countdown online.
• Kelly dares Shano to jump off the roof into the pool.
• Maybe there is an old radio in the garage?
• Gary is dissing every song because he “liked them before they got famous” and now thinks they’re “lame sellouts bra”.
• Shazza brings the car around so everyone can listen.
• Sharn is up dancing: “I LOVE THIS SOOONNNNNGG!!”
• Jaded listeners complain about the music tastes of the nation. They vow to never listen to triple j again. Not one of these people voted.
• Kelly is up too “I ALSO LOVE THIS SOONNNG!!”
• Keith burns the snags.
• Someone prominent tweets about the proportion of female artists in the countdown.
• Kylie hits Jayden in the nads during backyard cricket.
• A social media campaign to encourage more female artists has started #letyourvagsing
• Simmo makes a joke about Jayden never being able to have children.
• Lots of Aussie music makes it into the countdown – proving the success and the actual point of triple j.
• #letyourvagsing is trending worldwide.
• Karen tells Shano he is under no circumstances jumping off the roof into the pool.
• Old people are furiously writing opinion pieces about how the youth of today have no taste in music. They also didn’t vote.
• Sharn is onto her fifth Bacardi Breezer.
• Most people like the number 1 song.
• Kel holds Sharns hair back while she’s spewing.
• The number 1 song it criticised for being too popular and commercial.
• Karen drives Shano to hospital with a suspected broken leg.

Then on Tuesdee Australia’s GDP will take a dip while hangovers are nursed. The old whingers tune back into local radio. Jaded listeners remember triple j shits on any other radio station and forget their vow to quit. Shano find out his leg is just badly bruised, not broken. triple j plays music that might make it into next year’s countdown. Balance is restored.