I’m calling bullshit on your annual delivery of underwear and pyjamas, enough is enough. You need to quit it with your small-time stocking stuffers and take this shit big picture. Think of it as making up for the other 364 days of the year where all you do is sit on your gingerbread and candy cane throne and judge the citizens’ of the world. And just who are you calling a ho? For shame, Santa. Level with me a minute and hear me out, I just have a few simple requests.
Please can I have for Christmas:
- To be BFF’s with Tina Fey. We’ll braid each other’s hair, tell each other secrets and cry about boys together. On Wednesday we’ll wear pink. And we would NEVER write about each other in the Burn book.
- A basic understanding of physics. Including, but not limited to, how it’s possible that planes can fly in the air… srsly. Continue reading
A bright light blinds me as my eyes squint open and I try and make sense of my surroundings. A strange hand clumsily prods my face. I unsuccessfully try to sit up when a face with kind eyes and a surgical mask on appears and tells me to relax. It’s then that I realise it’s my own hand touching my numb, swollen face and I’m in a bit of pain.
I’ve just had all four of my wisdom teeth surgically removed in hospital. And now face a few weeks of recovery and a lifetime without my third molars. As I melt into a stack of pillows and bite down on the some gauze to stem the blood flow I think back… Continue reading
What would our society look like if it wasn’t for the seven deadly sins? The internet would sure be quiet place… you know without the porn (lust), every comment everywhere (wrath) and YouTube (sloth). We’d have no banking or financial services (greed), half the world wouldn’t be overweight (gluttony) and there would be no LinkedIn (pride) – actually social media wouldn’t exist at all (envy/pride/sloth/lust…). So if these sins aren’t really hitting home with people, and it’s too hard to change society, maybe it’s time we changed the sins? (This may be the easy way, but hey – I’m a sloth at heart.)
So what are our daily sins of the now?
- Running smugness: The act of connecting your Nike running updates to your Facebook feed. No one cares… especially the person you’re trying to impress by doing this. Sin is worse if you are training for a marathon you fit, healthy, early morning jogging jerk. Unsubscribe.
- Aisle seat insistence: Commonly seen on public trains. The act of making people climb over you to get to the seat on the other side while you retain the aisle position. Continue reading
Full disclosure: I hate reading travel blogs.
Let me be more specific. I hate reading travel blogs unless I’ve got a holiday booked and they’re about somewhere I’m going/want to go. Then I can’t get enough. But unless that’s the case I avoid them. What’s to like about someone else (who’s probably prettier than you) gallivanting across the globe to experience new cultures, eating amazing food and generally having a real good time about it?! They can charitably spare a few minutes to smugly write it all up for the people watching on from their desk jobs and Saturday night television. Bah! Humbug! Unless it is someone dear to me, I am the Scrooge of travel blogs. Continue reading
I don’t want to be smug or anything, but I’m on a month long European holiday. I’ve sunned myself through Croatia, yodelled through Austria, and am about to hit up Germany before moving onto the UK. Ok I lie… the whole point of going on holidays is to be smug about it to everyone. That and to experience different cultures and have a pretty awesome time doing it – I suppose. But my smugness really came back to bite me on the flight from Sydney to London. Here’s what happened.
Flying anxiety, take-off delays and knowing I had a middle seat didn’t suggest a breezy flight, but the promise of what I was heading towards kept me cheerful. Continue reading
The discovery of a new mammal; a rogue tissue in the wash; and the possibility of flesh-eating maggots burrowing into her brain… Good afternoon, it’s Miranda Ryan here with the Miranda Ryan news headlines.
Last night Miranda fell asleep on her side as normal, but awoke with both arms stretched way above her head. Both arms were completely numb so she had to try to flip over using just her body. Onlookers said she appeared not unlike a wounded dolphin, and regretted being friends with her. Continue reading
I’ve been on Tinder for about 48 hours now so I guess you could say I’m a total pro…
For those of you that don’t know, Tinder is a dating app with the aim to “discover those around you… and connect you if you’re both interested”. Based on your Facebook data the app recommends matches which you can like or pass. If you both choose ‘like’ then you are matched up and can message each other. Your profile consists of up to five photos, your age, any mutual friends, and a tagline. Basically it’s the simplest, most superficial form of internet dating: it’s speed-dating of the internet.
Two nights ago my male housemates, who both use the app, convinced me to join so they could “check out their competition”. After connecting my phone to the Apple TV the three of us went through my potential suitors, the boys shouting at me to swipe left (Nope) or right (Like) to guys they thought were cool. Things got judgemental… like Year 8 High School bitchy. We argued, we laughed, and we were down-right scared.
I’m worried this guy is only 9 miles away…
Lately I’ve noticed a few alarming things about myself. Things I would have never dreamed I’d say, do or be. It’s a scary reality and it’s happening fast… I am becoming my parents and this is how:
- Sometimes I get out of bed before 8am on the weekend, even though I don’t have to. Continue reading